I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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