im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
