my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
