do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
