In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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