Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
