my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
