a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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