i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
