i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
