Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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