Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
