I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
