Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
