Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
