totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
