I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
