Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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