just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
