I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
