TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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