I heard we made out
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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