My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
