i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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