I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
