Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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