I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
