Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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