Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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