I'd wear matching sweaters with you
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
