It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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