And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
