Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
