at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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