I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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