just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
