ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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