Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
