A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
