my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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