just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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