New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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