I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
