I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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