I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I intend to get homeless drunk
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
