I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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