Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
