Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
