How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
