Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
